"How Are Things?"

This shouldn't be such a difficult question, but someone asked me this via Twitter earlier last week and I'm just getting to answering him. I thought this would be an interesting blog post. Also, answering with 140 characters or less can be extremely limiting.

The short answer is: I feel like I'm going crazy, a hot mess, and remembering that I'm forgiven. The long answer involves hormones, sleeplessness, fatigue, perhaps depression, "female monthly issues", and is pretty personal. Read on if you choose, but you have the short answer, and you've been warned.

So, the question, "How are things?" doesn't seem so difficult. For many, it's a passing question and doesn't require much thought beyond, "Things are well" or "Fine" and a reciprocal "What about you?" or "And you?" I try to be a bit more purposeful in my asking and answering. I do genuinely want to know how one is doing when I ask. Likewise, I do try to be more honest when I answer, when I can. I use common sense and answer appropriately in each setting. What I mean is, I wouldn't bare-my-soul to someone I'm just meeting. (I don't think blogging is exactly, um, ... oh, never mind. Hey, you've been warned that this post is personal, right? It's not too late to scroll to the top of the page or move on to other parts of the web, you know? Right. Last chance! Moving on.)

A slightly older friend asked me about three months ago, how I was doing and I answered that I was having trouble sleeping. She cautiously asked me how old I was and very carefully broached the subject of (dun, dun, dun) perimenopause or premenopause. I looked at her shocked and surprised, since I had never thought that this could be the root of my sleeping troubles. She mentioned that her first symptoms were heart palpitations and trouble sleeping.

That evening, I turned to the ever-handy internet and searched perimenopause. Kinda scary and informative all at the same time. As I read through the symptoms and compared them to what I had been experiencing, things started to click into place, and my shock and surprise slowly became, "Could this be, at my (relatively) young age?" I didn't think too much about it since I didn't have the grand-daddy (mommy?) symptom of all: hot flashes.

Interestingly, just a couple of weeks ago, I realized how isolated I felt and since I felt more "like myself" I blogged about Social Hibernation, which in hindsight, showed me I probably had a bit of depression (or SAD or something else), but didn't know. Depression a possible symptom of perimenopause? You better believe it.

About that time, I also started having warm flashes - not quite the full hot flash, sweating, and then chills - and soon afterwards, hot flashes. About that time, I was talking with my sister about these symptoms and what was going on with me. I asked her if one of her temperature charting books had any information on menopause. She told me she hadn't read that far since it didn't really apply to her. She asked me some questions about my symptoms: Sleeplessness? Menses becoming more frequent? Heavier menses? Hot flashes? Trouble concentrating? Food cravings? Increased PMS? Heart palpitations? Itchy skin? Fatigue? Headaches? Thinning hair? After each of my many yeses, she laughed! She told me that when it was her turn, I could laugh at her. Sadly, I don't think I'll be able to since I'll probably be too sympathetic.

In addition to all of this, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't concentrate. I am having trouble focusing on various tasks at hand. I forget words often, and my speaking skills feel stilted. I used to be eloquent! I used to write papers about literature with ease! My brain feels a little mushy lately.

On top of all of this, I've noticed I'm more emotional than usual. Emotional swings plus lack of verbal skills? Oh, dear. My Dearest said something to me last week and made another comment this week that just turned me into an emotional crying mess. The comments or statements were nothing terribly horrible, unfeeling, or offensive. Yet, I still flew off the handle emotionally. And the worst part? I knew in my head that my reactions were over-the-top and I really shouldn't be acting this way, but my emotions took me on their wild ride. My poor Dearest, looked at me like he had no idea where this was all coming from, and why should he? I rarely acted like this before! And my children! Oh, my dear children who are just beginning to become hormonal are with a mother who is hormonal and entering this stage of life? Yikes.

And exercising, you might ask? I'm not terribly diligent about exercising this year. I know it will help, but the motivation is so not there. I know I resolved to do more of it regularly, but I'm having a hard time making it happen. Last week, I did exercise two or three times and I did feel better, I just need to get back into the routine and keep at it.

All I can say is that I'm not perfect. Jesus Christ is perfect and I'm forgiven through Him. As a result, I forgive those around me, and hopefully I'm being forgiven by them - even when I'm emotional, feeling crazy, and a hot mess.

So, how are you doing?